Testimony by our joyful sister of Christ, Ngoc Linh Pham from Vietnam who accepted Christ this year, 2009. May you continue to grow for Jesus and shine for Him every single day!
“After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. 11On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.” (Matthew 2:9-12 NIV)
Yesterday the pastor at my church preached the message on “What should we bring to God?” from the two above verses in Matthew. It was really an interesting message, one that really left me with some self-reflecting thoughts on my walk with God. A small part of the message touched on how a person, after encountering God and acknowledging His greatness, would do following the will of God. My pastor said that they would “return to their country by another route”. While I still could not decide where to start my sharing the day before, that very last part of the message suddenly struck me right there. Over the last couple of weeks, I was in a bit of confusion, finding it somehow uneasy to adapt back to the environment in Vietnam, feeling somewhat scared that my faith has not been built strong enough to stand firm against challenges. I thought things changed way too fast, that God has turned around the whole situation to test my faith. But in fact, not a thing has changed, except for a few skyrocket buildings in the city and my friends are all of a sudden no longer secondary kids, it was me who changed. So because I change that I cannot fit in the old situation anymore? I kept asking God those transition-like questions and He indeed gave me that answer: No. The situation I was in, the responsibilities I had, they will all be the same. Yet, I realised that God has had “another route” for me to get back to these.
Change. Over the times I have thought about what I would answer if someone asked me why I decided to become a Christian, I think I came to Christ for two main reasons: I wanted to honor who He is, and because I wanted changes in my life. I wanted a more meaningful life, wanted to find a reason to keep trying and living the most out of it. When I was a kid, the education system, all the organizations that I was in taught me to live for my country. You know, it was a nice idea, yet not the idea that I was seeking. Before I knew Jesus, my grandparents were the most important and influential people in my life. I thought that I would live so that I would not let anything hurt them, I would live in a way that they would be proud of me. My friends said that I was always a happy kid, one that doesn’t seem to have to worry too much about things. I liked people to keep me in their memoir as a cheerful kid as well, one that will remain as a positive thing that happened in their lives. Still, it was not it.
Now when I think about how God has changed the “route” for me, it all explained how the journey back to Hanoi this year was all different. It wasn’t because it was the KL-Hanoi route instead of the regular Sing-HN one that I always took. There was of course the excitement of going back, yet there was as well this very anxious feeling. The way I take things changed. My grandma has been quite sick this year. The ever-changing weather in this tropical city hasn’t done my grandma’s age good, especially this freezing yet still humid winter. I was sitting by her bed the first night I was back. I know she was very tired, with all the heart condition, constant high blood pressure and all the side effect allergy of taking too much medication. I couldn’t do anything for her except sitting there and combing her hair. I know she was very scared as well. She who had gone through so much in her life and been able to stop the tear falling so many times was scared, yet still persistently not crying. My family is a very traditional Buddhist one, my family loves and honors guanyin.
My grandma had this recording of a Buddhist prayer playing through the night, and she kept praying along as long as she was awake. It was just so weird. I felt like being torn into two. If it was the old me, last year, no doubt I would be praying with her. At that moment I was so lost. I had no ideas what I should do. I wanted to comfort her but I didn’t know how to. At that moment I was thinking that how I hope that she has come to know Jesus then He would be able to give her the peace in mind. It felt like one of those moments where you wave the SOS sign for help desperately in a stormy ocean. I touched her shoulder and prayed in silence for her. Now that I realize that loving God hasn’t taken away any part of my love for my grandma, just that I will love and care for her in a different way. Though Hanoi is still like it was years ago, noisy, humid, and crowded and never sleeps, there is another part of Hanoi that really bonds me with my hometown, perhaps more than all those lessons in the book that I was taught earlier. Despite all the difficulty against the preaching of the gospel within the city, I found it deeply touching when the whole congregation early on Sunday morning was full. The church was in a very old quarter in the market; its facility is still in need of a lot more renovation work. The prayer meeting was at 6am, following by the first service at 6.45am. There were only two people in the worship team, one played the organ and the other played the violin. There were many Koreans in our church as well, who came to worship God in Vietnamese. They might not even speak Vietnamese fluently but they overcome all the language barriers to come and rejoice for God. And I saw elders of my grandma’s age asking how one another have been doing. I was once scared that I would not be able to find a home church back in Hanoi, but He has led me to a place where I can feel that He was with us. Among all the little things that I have been gradually changed by Him in a few months time, there is one thing I just realised over the last couple of days when I am back home. For some reasons I used to really hate crying, especially over stuff that I have to deal with, over difficult times that I have to juggle through. I can get emotional, but as long as the issue on the table is not mine. But then, now when I look back over the last few months, beside many times I was in joy because of His love, I really have that tendency to cry much more often than the old-me. Honestly at first I thought it was kinda weird of me, but then when I kept thinking about it over and over again, I must admit that I really like that change. Even though crying might not help me solve anything, I now have a reason to cry. Yes, to someone who I believe and trust that He would be faithful with His promises to me, someone who is never failing, someone who loves me so dearly and selflessly, someone who comes to Earth to live and die for me, someone who would carry me through difficult times and bless me with joy in good times, I find it justifiable to be vulnerable before Him. I find it absolutely alright to confess to Him that I am weak, that there are things that I feel so tired to even think of, because He will be always be there for me, and because I need Him to make it through all those challenges. I don’t want to hold it but I want to share it with Him. It is indeed okay to burst into tears, like a kid, for and to Jesus.
